oh vandy

Do you ever come to realization that somebody else is leading the exact life you wish you were living? It’s so discouraging and so disheartening when I find somebody who is living the life I want and living the life that I’m working hard to attain (but that I haven’t yet).

I know that the other person must have worked hard to get where she is too (btw, she totally doesn’t go to Vandy) and that she must have her own troubles, etc etc. There’s some part of me that can’t help be jealous. I mean, she IS ME except…better. I don’t really think it’s jealousy that gets to me though, it’s the deeply unsettling feeling that…I’m just not good enough. It’s like, if everything in my life had gone perfectly, I would be her, and because I fucked up, I’m where I am now.

Clearly, I’m not having a good night. It’s just kind of depressing!!! I’m trying to turn this around into a motivational thing. That I should work harder to get there, that she’s no better than I am, and that I can get there too, if I tried harder, whatever whatever.

Gosh, I’m such a girl.

i can’t wait for this semester to be over so that i can just move on with my life and become a *real* college student (sad, isn’t it?) here’re are my FINANLIZED (well, mostly anyway) plans!! hehehe

may 7 - return to Lexington
may 29 - NYC!!! (dorm: Palladium Residence Hall, 140 East 14th St)
july 30 - return to Lexington
august - stumbling blindly through china
august 20 - return to Vandy

oooh my gosh, i can’t waaaait

Yesterday, during lunch at Pancake Pantry, I broke my ring. The preztel ring that I bought in seventh grade for $7 in Lexington Center. I treasured that ring because it was “cool.” All the “cool girls” had sweet sterling silver pretzel rings and I didn’t have anything cool. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. So I bought it. I still remember the lady who I bought it from. (Actually, I remember where / when I buy any article of clothing / jewelery / item in general) I asked her if it was sterling silver and that if it would rust. She never did answer the first question, but she assured me it wouldn’t ever fade in color. She’s just about the only salesperson that ever told me the truth about rusting.

I seriously thought I would have that ring until forever and a day. Sometimes, I still fiddle with my finger that wore the ring and get kind of shocked when it’s not there. I’m going to miss it until the day I die.

“what ultimately defines a relatinship, is another relationship”

my next boyfriend is going to be a movie fanatic. we are going to be constant theatre go-ers, devoring pounds of popcorn per season and gaining unmatched movie knowledge. i’ll get the tix and he’ll get the popcorn/sour patch kids/diet coke. my next boyfriend is going to be loved by my friends. they’ll say to me, “lily, you and him are so good together! you guys are so perfect for each other!” and we’ll go on wonderfully delicious double dates. my next boyfriend is going to be an artistically sensitive man. we are going to go to performances, speeches, and concerts together and become artistic whores. and we’ll love it. my next boyfriend is going to be a man. he is going to have his own group of guy-friends who will spend lots of guy-time together and do lots of guy-things. like watch football and espn. like going to the rec and lifting weights/playing basketball. my next boyfriend will be able to eat. we’ll explore all the fantastic and unfantastic restaurants of the city and try the most exotic and intriguing drinks, dishes, and of course, desserts. we’ll savor the taste of restaurant food and never tire of going out. needless to say, my next boyfriend and i will spend a loooooooot of money and be helplessly broke but happy.

but most importantly, my next boyfriend will be fatally attracted to me and the chemistry between us will be unforgettable.

and in summation, my next boyfriend will be as much in love with life and the world as i.