oh vandy

So I’m officially done with my time here in New York and I realized that I haven’t written anything anywhere about my summer here. No pictures, no writings, nothing except memories. Wonderful memories, even the bad ones.

Impressions of New York
1. I hate when guys say lude things to you (including, “hey gorgeous” or “you’re beautiful” etc) even when they’re not lude, per say (sp?). They’re lude because I believe any decent, educated man would never ever “holla” at a girl in the middle of the road. At least all the men that I respect, know, and would date don’t. For me, it’s more of an insult if they do comment because clearly the guys who do say these things are lude themselves and therefore, it’s almost kind of slutty of a girl to get comments. Like, what kind of girl do you need to be to get such attention? Wear short skirts? Expose your breasts? There’s no standard and I just feel downgraded when I hear these things.

2. It’s beautiful. The endless array of tall buildings, the structured nature of the city’s streets, the neon lights in Times Square, something about it all is very aesthetically pleasing to me, somehow. Sometimes, I like to just walk the streets of New York. Just see all those little shops, all these differently dressed people, all the eclecticism is so unique, I just walk in awe.

3. You can wear whatever the damn you want to wear and I love it. Even if it looks shitty, there’s always somebody else on the street that probably looks just as shitty or worse. Even if it’s so dressed up, you’d wear it to a wedding, there’s always soembody else on the street dressed just as nicely or better. If makes me feel confident when I can get dressed in the morning and feel good about what I wear, instead of feeling self conscious that I might be too dressy for the occassion.

4. The partying starts late and ends later. Going out at 1pm? In any other city, it’d be close to time to go home, but in New York, it’s still prime time pre-gaming. 6am time to be passed out? Hell no, in New York, it’s time to go to K-town or elsewhere to get drunken food. Maybe it was just me and the kids I hung out with, but just having the option of going pretty much anywhere you want at any time you want is fabulous.

5. There’s no “alone time,” especially if you have a roommate. There’s no place to go when all you want to do is sit in your own room and cry, or be by yourself, or pig out with a gallon of ice cream. No bathroom is ever completely empty, no streets are safe enough to stroll along alone at 1am, and sometimes, it feels as if I would trade my life just to have a corner of space and time to myself.

Am I a different person?
I feel as if I were kind of a different person here in New York. Not completely different (eg: my values, the way I think, and other fundamental qualities of myself), but I feel different. Like I can do more, like I have more options, like I am more alive for some reason. Maybe it’s because the people I hung out with let me set my inhibitions loose. Maybe it’s because I met so many new people that I was never type-set into a category and could express myself however I wished. Maybe it’s because I wanted something completely different here. I’m not sure, but either way, it’s been fabulous.

Conclusions?
In another world and another time, I think I could have been a banker. Maybe not a banker (not quite smart enough, I believe, personally), but something more corporate in any case, something not a doctor. I can see myself living in the city and loving it. Sometimes I think I would like to do that for a year or two and just be a struggling young person without a set career path, but yet not without ambitions. This summer has been full of situational “what if’s” but at the end of the day, that’s not the world I live in.

I live in a place where my med school apps need to be handed in asap and where I need to finish my essay asap. A place where beautiful sundresses and pumps (but not together) are not every day wear and a place where (thankfully) I can walk the streets without getting attention from any male person. A safe place where my life has been planned out for me and all I need to do is connect the dots. A world where I always thought my life would be perfect. Now I wonder though, what would have happened if I had given myself more options?

you what kind of girls i hate the most? (well, besides the kind that pretend they know everything when they really don’t) the kind that get sooooooooooooo upset when they don’t get their way. just because you’re beautiful, or smart, or talented, or because you’ve always gotten your own way doesn’t mean you should always get your way. sometimes, it’s not about whether or not you’re *right* it’s just about what’s best. it’s also about giving in sometimes instead of letting the other person give in.

why can’t people just compromise on things that just aren’t that important and sacrifice their own petty needs for the good of the group / the other person? i just don’t understand why people are just so *selfish* sometimes. it really gets on my nerves!!!

well, i guess it’s part of human nature to be selfish and sometimes, it’s necessary, but i mean, coome oooooon. can’t you just be *aware* of the fact that you’re selfish, at least???

people in america in general are just selfish. we talked about this in my political philosophy class last semester. you what it is? it’s the entire way our government / political / legal systems are set up. all this “private property” business. all these negative rights that are so important. omg, i just want to scream to people, GET OVER YOURSELF. you’re not that special. you’re not that great. you’re just a human being trying to be happy and surive in this world like the rest of us. you’re NOT some inherently better being!!!

this is my pessimistic week. stay away.

Do you ever come to realization that somebody else is leading the exact life you wish you were living? It’s so discouraging and so disheartening when I find somebody who is living the life I want and living the life that I’m working hard to attain (but that I haven’t yet).

I know that the other person must have worked hard to get where she is too (btw, she totally doesn’t go to Vandy) and that she must have her own troubles, etc etc. There’s some part of me that can’t help be jealous. I mean, she IS ME except…better. I don’t really think it’s jealousy that gets to me though, it’s the deeply unsettling feeling that…I’m just not good enough. It’s like, if everything in my life had gone perfectly, I would be her, and because I fucked up, I’m where I am now.

Clearly, I’m not having a good night. It’s just kind of depressing!!! I’m trying to turn this around into a motivational thing. That I should work harder to get there, that she’s no better than I am, and that I can get there too, if I tried harder, whatever whatever.

Gosh, I’m such a girl.

“what ultimately defines a relatinship, is another relationship”

my next boyfriend is going to be a movie fanatic. we are going to be constant theatre go-ers, devoring pounds of popcorn per season and gaining unmatched movie knowledge. i’ll get the tix and he’ll get the popcorn/sour patch kids/diet coke. my next boyfriend is going to be loved by my friends. they’ll say to me, “lily, you and him are so good together! you guys are so perfect for each other!” and we’ll go on wonderfully delicious double dates. my next boyfriend is going to be an artistically sensitive man. we are going to go to performances, speeches, and concerts together and become artistic whores. and we’ll love it. my next boyfriend is going to be a man. he is going to have his own group of guy-friends who will spend lots of guy-time together and do lots of guy-things. like watch football and espn. like going to the rec and lifting weights/playing basketball. my next boyfriend will be able to eat. we’ll explore all the fantastic and unfantastic restaurants of the city and try the most exotic and intriguing drinks, dishes, and of course, desserts. we’ll savor the taste of restaurant food and never tire of going out. needless to say, my next boyfriend and i will spend a loooooooot of money and be helplessly broke but happy.

but most importantly, my next boyfriend will be fatally attracted to me and the chemistry between us will be unforgettable.

and in summation, my next boyfriend will be as much in love with life and the world as i.